Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Toilet
by Juushika
Summary: This is a fic that I wrote based on my little sister's play... it really makes no sense whatsoever.


This story is based on my little sister's, when she was playing with her Hogworts School thingy that she got for Christmas this morning. She seems to be somewhat of a Snape Basher *tear* but that's OK, I love her anyways. And she seems to have this idea that Ron eats a lot. Oh, and she's 8 by the way. =^^= Flames will only able me to set fire to my toes, which are very cold right now. *tear* And plus, you'd only be flaming my kid sister, and that'd be horrible. *cry* 

Disclaimer: I own nothing, J.K Rowling does. And Warner Brothers, I believe. *shrug* I'm not earning any money from this, so please don't sue. I'll I can give you is my fish, (I'll keep my cat, thank you) and maybe some lint.  

Cast: 

Snape will be played by Voldemort, who changes magically into Voldemort later in the story. Confusing, yes?

Harry

Invisible Harry with sparklies inside him

Ron

Hermione 

Mountain Troll

Hedwig

Sign: "Come see harry Potter and The Sorcer's tolit, comedy, laffs main subject hegwig gets stuck in the tolit who can get him out?"

Snape: *jumps around, speaking in a very feminine snotty British accent which makes him sound suspiciously like a old prissy woman* Mr. Potter, you will be on "troll watch" today.

Harry: M-Me? 

Snape: Yes, so get up to the tower thing.

Harry: Ok. *jumps up several stories to land on the astronomy tower* Hum, de, dum. Don't see no trolls.

Troll: Grah. *stomps around outside Hogwarts*

Harry: *GASP* Troll! *runs down to the common room, tripping several times* TROLL!

Snape: RUN! Everyone to the secret room, quick!

**Harry, invisible Harry, Ron, and Hermione run madly to the back of Hogwarts, The door to the mirror of Erised snaps open*

Snape: Wrong room. 

**everyone runs to the ~correct~ secret room**

Snape: quick, get in.

Invisible Harry: Even me?

Snape: Yes, even you.

**they all get in**

Harry: What about Hedwig? 

Snape: He's a bird. He'll be fine.

Troll: Greh. *stomps loudly into the Owl Keep and proceeds to whack Hedwig over the head with his club*

Hedwig: *feeble hoot* ow…

Snape: Good thing he can't get in here.

Troll: *appears in the doorway* Grah!

**everyone runs down to the Commons shrieking, and begins to run in little circles**

Invisible Harry: *stops* Why am I running? He can't see me!

Snape: I don't care, keep running anyways!

Invisible Harry: Okay. *goes back to running in little circles*

Troll: *roar*

Snape: *hits the troll with some random spell that makes the troll fly away*

Hermione: *also speaks with a British accent* Where's Ron?

Harry: I dunno…

**everyone stops and listens as loud eating sounds are heard**

Harry: Ron? Where are you?

Ron: *laying face down on the ground producing loud chomping noises*

Harry: Ron, what are you doing?

Ron: *runs*

Snape: *finds him in the potions classroom* Ron! You're not allowed to eat!

Troll: Grah.

Snape: *sigh* That's not your line.

Troll: *has a really disturbing hick accent* Really? What is it then?

Snape: Greh. And you're supposed to fall off the roof. 

Troll: *falls off the roof* How's that?

Snape: Better. *turns back to Harry and Co.* Alright, Now I'm Voldemort. Ok?

Ron: Snape, there's something up your nose.

Snape/Voldemort: I'm not Snape! I'm Voldemort! And there's nothing up my nose!

Ron: Yes there is.

Snape/Voldemort: *goes into the girls bathroom in a huff*

Hermione: *shriek*

Snape/Voldemort: *mysteriously loses his British accent* You're not in this scene!

Hermione: *sulks and leaves*

Invisible Harry: Am I?

Snape/Voldemort: No. *Invisible Harry gets quickly flung from the room* It's only Harry and me!

Ron: That's not fair Snape- er, I mean, Voldemort! Harry gets all the good scenes! I'm a guy too! I could be Harry Potter!

Snape/Voldemort: OUT!

Ron: *leaves dejectedly*

Harry: *notices that him and Voldemort are now on top of the Hogworts roof* Hey, you're supposed to be in the bathroom! *has mysteriously ~gained~ a British accent*

Snape/Voldemort: I DON'T CARE! Now, push me off the roof. *clears throat* Gwahaha, I finally have the Sorcerer's stone!

Harry: *shoves him off the roof*

Snape/Voldemort: Aaaaaaah! *practically lands on top of the troll*

Troll: GRAH! *beats Voldemort with his club*

Snape/Voldemort: *is being trampled* The life I live is a lie.  

End Scene

Scene Two!

Narrator: It was a beautiful day at Hogworts, the sun was shining, Hermione was levitating feathers, and Harry and Snape were freaking out. 

Harry: *screams* I've lost Hedwig! Someone help me find him!

Snape: *has his original British accent back* Who cares about your owl!? All the food is gone! And the toilet's plugged, and I really have to pee!

Harry: Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeedwiiiiiiig! *stops suddenly* what do you mean all the food is gone?!

Hermione: That's silly, of course there's food, see? *hops into the potions classroom and rushes back out* The food is ~gone~!

Harry: *runs into the potions room, gasps loudly* you're right! All the food is gone! 

**All turn to glower accusingly at Ron**

Ron: What?! It wasn't me!

Snape: Ron, now I'm going to have to perform The Punishment on you.

Ron: No! Not that!

Snape: Sorry Ron, but I'm going to have to flush you down the toilet now. *does this*

Ron: glug.

Snape: *Sits on the sink to try to pee even though it's plugged* 

Narrator: Uhm… We'll just block that out.

**giant hand censors the bathroom**

Ron: *scrambles up the sink*

Snape: Hey! You're not supposes to come back up! *goes down to the commons*

Harry and Hermoine: Hi!

Snape: shh! Look!

**Invisible Harry leaps out of Potions with cookies**

Everyone: *GASP*

Ron: *scoots away from Snape* Harry, Snape's trying to eat me!

Snape: I don't eat people. I just like killing them. I'm a vegetarian.

Ron: That doesn't make me feel any safer.

Snape: Never mind that! I still have too pee!

Narrator: Snape calls the 'doctor' to fix the toilet, er, *points to sink* pretend this is the toilet, okay?

**giant finger makes it's way into the girls bathroom and pokes the sink**

Giant finger: I do believe that there's an owl stuck down there. *leaves*

Harry: *GASP* Hedwig! I'm coming Hedwig! *dives for the toilet which is in fact a sink*

Narrator: Harry wasn't fat, but he was too fat to fit in the toilet.

Ron: Move over Harry, I'm skinner then you! *plunges his head into the sink masquerading as a toilet* Mmm… Crunchy.

Narrator: Even though Ron was skinny, he couldn't fit either. So Invisible Harry tried.

Invisible Harry: *sticks his head into the sink that is used as a toilet*

Narrator: But, Invisible Harry got stuck. He was actually really, really fat, but you couldn't tell 'cause he's Invisible. And, no one even knew he was stuck in the toilet. But then they all pulled and got him out.

Snape: *dramatic sigh* I'll get him out. *slips down the sink/toilet easily*

Narrator: Snape was so skinny 'cause he was a vegetarian that he could fit!

Hermione: …Snape's been down there for a long time now…

Ron: Maybe he's stuck?

Snape: *walkes through the door* I got lost down in the sewers. I didn't see any owls though.

Harry: Hedwig! I've found you! *runs over to Hedwig in the Owl Keep* But if you're here… who's down in the toilet?

Snape: *reaches down into the sink/toilet* It's Neville. 

**They all leave and Harry and Co. go down to lunch with the troll, and Snape exits to a random class room**

Ron: Mmmm… Food.

Harry: *sniff, sniff* What's that smell?

Hermione: *sniffs air also* It smells like… something really nasty, that's what.

Troll: Greh!

Narrator: Snape walks into the room, the smell gets stronger as he passes them. Then Snape lifts his arms and the all die! Oh, but then they get healed, and they all decide that 'cause Snape is so smelly, he either has to take a bath or leave Hogworts!

Troll: Grah. *throws Snape out a window*

Harry, Ron & Hermoine: Hurray!

Harry: *In the process of hurraying he pushes his face up very close to Hermione's*

Hermione: Uhm… Harry… Now is hardly the time for that.

**Later… Snape sees the troll sitting outside and goes up to him**

Snape: I love you Troll! Let's run away together!

Troll: Greh?

Snape: *rubs his armpits on him* See, now we can both be stinky!

Troll: Grah!

Snape: Oh, Troll, will you marry me?!

Narrator: And so they get married, but no one comes to the wedding. Except skunks. And every hour the troll would hit Snape over the head with his club and Snape would dance. And then Snape died 'cause he got hit over the head too much. THE END!


End file.
